Whenever I "perform," I split myself into two-halves -- the performer and the observer/critics. Trying to perform allows that ever-present screamer sitting on my shoulder the chance to unleash a dose of self-hate from the reservior I have built and maintained during my life. The chance may be the most minor mistake or insignificant admission on my part. This can happen in any circumstance, from building a coffee table to talking at a meeting. On the other hand, when I "participate," I minimize self-consciousness and the chance of embarassment. When I am participating, I am sharing the real me, and being the real me destroys any need for that internal critic. I realize my failures are valuable to my emotional growth. My past life has too often shown that my successes temporarily blinded me to the reality of my human limitations. I need to use these limitations as checks and balances in my struggle to know God's will for me.
God, continue to grant me one of Your most wonderful gifts -- the right to be human.
Participating keeps me whole(some).
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